Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I hate to say I told you so...no wait, I don't.

Wow. Reality TV "star" Kim Kardashian and NBA player Kris Humphries are calling it quits after their 72-day marriage. After their more-money-than-you-or-I-will-see-in-a-lifetime wedding. Color me stunned.
Oh wait, don't.
Here's what I wrote in May after reading a story about their six-figure engagement party:

I was thumbing through People magazine and came across the incredibly substance-less, trite and downright bizarre when you think about it story of the "fairytale" engagement of Kim Kardashian, famous for simply being famous, and NBA star Kris Humphries.
The whole thing was "a dream come true"!
The 20-plus-carat ring brings this line from People: Kardashian had "long dreamed of the perfect man -- and the perfect ring"!
They had an engagement party that rivaled a state dinner to celebrate Kim's "Cinderella moment" (People's words, not mine). This was chronicled over several pages in the magazine, complete with photos of the proposal being spelled out in rose petals on the living room rug and the "princess themed" cake that cost thousands of dollars.
Now, I know it's People magazine and not The New Yorker. But I'd say People mirrors our attitudes as a society a whole lot more than probably any other popular publication.
And so, there we have it: a very rich young lady who is a "reality show" star with a B-list famous late dad (OJ Simpson lawyer Robert Kardashian) and B-list famous stepdad (Olympian Bruce Jenner) and an NBA star.
They've known each other since November so they "took the right amount of time and made sure it was right," according to Kardashian.
He asked her step-father's permission to marry her.
She has "always dreamed of a big wedding" so will "do something really over-the-top."
Now a lot of people may be saying, "Yeah, so? Sounds really romantic to me."
And that's the issue -- we are programmed to think all this is just great. Particularly women.
"Every little girl dreams of being a princess and marrying a handsome prince."...
And Kardashian. Cinderella? Guess again. More like one of the stepsisters -- rich, privileged, and entitled.
He asks her dad for her hand. Why? She's a grown woman.
Oh, but it's so romantic.
And she's dreamed of such a perfect engagement.
How about teaching little girls, and bigger ones for that matter, and maybe even the fellas, that instead of dreaming of weddings, spelling out proposals in rose petals, pretending to be princesses, we dream of a perfect marriage with equal partners who discuss their values, expectations and yes, dreams, before taking the plunge. 
The guy asks the dad for her hand instead of the two adults sitting down and discussing -- seriously -- what kind of life they expect to have with each other.
Every girl dreams of being a princess.
And that's the problem. No one dreams of a perfect marriage. Just the engagement. Just the wedding.
So the Kardashian story is another example of  the fluff and superficiality that we like to base our beliefs on.
Cliches carry so much more weight than looking at something realistically, logically, and pragmatically.
...
Here's what we accept as true, good and romantic: A little girl dreams of the perfect wedding ring. The bigger the better.
What does that say about what we expect as a society, both of little girls and of ourselves? 

That was back in May. The two got married in August. And divorced in November. People magazine had a big story -- did Kim get married just to further her reality show? As easy as that would be to believe, it gets a big NO from me. Reference the above May passage.
Kim wanted the "fairy tale." Hell, it's right there in People. It was there in the May issue and again in the August issue that gave equal coverage to her over-the-top wedding.
And here it is in the Nov. 14 issue. Several people commenting sadly that she wanted the fairy tale. Yes, they actually say fairy tale. The F word appears dozens of times spread across the three stories -- as an adjective. As a noun. Hell, I bet they would have made it a verb if they could have figured out how to.
"She wanted the fairy tale."
So sad, like somehow the fairy tale let her down.
Kim Kardashian isn't really that different from a lot of American women -- just richer and with more access to pop media.
Girls are taught almost from birth to value things that are pretty and sparkly. And men are taught no woman has more value than the one who is pretty and sparkly.
Getting flowers -- preferably sent to work so all the coworkers can see what a great partner and loving relationship we have (put those in air quotes) -- is more highly valued that turning off the TV, sitting down at the kitchen table for dinner and having a grown-up conversation about our day.
A proposal -- extra points if it's a surprise! -- is somehow considered preferable to two adults discussing their lives together, their values and mutually agreeing that it's something they can take on.
Women all over the country wake up from the "dream" a day, a week, a month, whatever, after the wedding and realize after their big princess-for-a-day moment, now they have to figure out how to live with the guy for the next 50 or so years.
And nobody ever told them about THAT.

2 comments:

  1. True, but lots of us figure out that a wedding is a day and a marriage is (at least supposed to be) for a lifetime. We didn't need to be told. That might be because we had parents who modeled it for us, or because we didn't grow up in the overmoneyed, phony wonderland that is Hollywood. So clearly not all of us were taught to value things that are pretty and sparkly, or if we were taught that, we grew up.

    And I'm sure as hell not raising my daughters that way -- although my Caroline would put sparkles on her bedroom door if she could figure out how to do it. Guess I have some work to do. :)

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  2. Thanks for reading, Matt! I knew I'd get comments from people saying they aren't like that, and I believe you. But watch any amount of TV or read any amount of ... read-y things...and the message is "princess for a day." And that's my point. Many, many women buy into it. Many. Obviously, there are intelligent and mature people who transcend that.

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